mother.

the month of may is mother's month. is it? i dont know. mothers day is in may, so why not? for me, its a double whammy, as my mom's birthday is always about a week after mothers day. this gets me thinking a lot about my mother. in light of mother's day, men's health magazine has an article entitled, what we can learn from our mothers. or something like that. he wrote about how as a man, we strive to become like our father's, yet 50% of our genetic makeup comes from our mothers. how true. this rings even truer for me, since i am a mama's boy and i am so much like my mother.

throughout life, no one has taught me more about how to be a decent human being than my mom. she's been everyhing to me, from a role model, to spiritual mentor, to well... a mom. when we speak of God's love, the closest things we have to compare it to is that of a mother's love for a child. without a doubt, my mom has shown me a tremendous amount of love and care. (maybe a bit much. hehe.)

that having been said, my character has so much been shaped by my mom. not only in the sense that i am very much like her, but as someone pointed out today, that its most likely because of how comfortable i am to my mom that im so much more comfortable relating to girls. (that, and my mom did say that she used to hang out with more older brothers too....) anyway.

needless to say, it's amounted to a somewhat more difficult lifestyle for me.

tuesday, may 26th, 2009. 5:02pm. its rainging.

it's not raining to the point where raindrops fall from the sky, its a light mist. im moist. would i rahter be wet? not really. usually i would prefer for it to rain, but i'm heading to class. theres nothing worse than sitting through class wet.

alone.

the other day i woke up feeling so alone. i lay in bed wondering who would love me. to hear about it, or even think about it is pathetic. i didn't think that i could possibly feel more alone than that in the world. i was wrong.

as i walk down the engineering line behind the Main building at Drexel, looking for the Fat Sandwich cart, i realized that i am more alone than i know. and yet i felt content.

i don't need anyone. im so used to the new york lifestyle, where there are millions of people around you, but no one matters, nothing else matters except what you have to get done. i think thats what i felt. as long as there were people around me, i didn't need them. earphones on, all i wanted to do was dance. me. i am all that matters.

someone said to me, "the have to live as if God is enough. your kind of thinking doesn't help you." my kind of thinking. what is my kind of thinking, pray tell?

but this post isn't merely written to spite one person. this feeling isnt the result of one person. i thought that all this time i wasn't serving because i didn't want to. i thought i was in control. how naïve to think that i had such power. i'm not serving because of how i'm seen. because of my "way of thinking." i'm a hazard. and to have thought that this year i felt like i had grown so much.

jaded

just because i haven't been formally rebuked this year doesn't mean that i've improved my problem. people still see me as the same "threat." hide your girls, fgs.

so then how do i feel about girls? i say that i'm not looking for a relationship, but my actions don't seem to reflect that, does it? i honestly have no idea. but there's always a way to fix that... HAHAHA

ok so i got kind of sidetracked... ME. me and God. fine. then i don't need anyone else. its just me and God, right? everyone else is flawed and fails. yeah, maybe you were right, person who said that to me the other day. i really don't need anyone else. i feared being alone.

but alone is what i want. so then whats the feeling for wanting other people? the devil? my selfishness, right? so whats all this about God being a relational being? oh, only people of the same sex... adam and steve?

this is turning more and more into a huge rant. i'm a pretty angry person... lol.


i'm tired... i just want to go home to my mommy. nothing to worry about....