mother.

the month of may is mother's month. is it? i dont know. mothers day is in may, so why not? for me, its a double whammy, as my mom's birthday is always about a week after mothers day. this gets me thinking a lot about my mother. in light of mother's day, men's health magazine has an article entitled, what we can learn from our mothers. or something like that. he wrote about how as a man, we strive to become like our father's, yet 50% of our genetic makeup comes from our mothers. how true. this rings even truer for me, since i am a mama's boy and i am so much like my mother.

throughout life, no one has taught me more about how to be a decent human being than my mom. she's been everyhing to me, from a role model, to spiritual mentor, to well... a mom. when we speak of God's love, the closest things we have to compare it to is that of a mother's love for a child. without a doubt, my mom has shown me a tremendous amount of love and care. (maybe a bit much. hehe.)

that having been said, my character has so much been shaped by my mom. not only in the sense that i am very much like her, but as someone pointed out today, that its most likely because of how comfortable i am to my mom that im so much more comfortable relating to girls. (that, and my mom did say that she used to hang out with more older brothers too....) anyway.

needless to say, it's amounted to a somewhat more difficult lifestyle for me.

tuesday, may 26th, 2009. 5:02pm. its rainging.

it's not raining to the point where raindrops fall from the sky, its a light mist. im moist. would i rahter be wet? not really. usually i would prefer for it to rain, but i'm heading to class. theres nothing worse than sitting through class wet.

alone.

the other day i woke up feeling so alone. i lay in bed wondering who would love me. to hear about it, or even think about it is pathetic. i didn't think that i could possibly feel more alone than that in the world. i was wrong.

as i walk down the engineering line behind the Main building at Drexel, looking for the Fat Sandwich cart, i realized that i am more alone than i know. and yet i felt content.

i don't need anyone. im so used to the new york lifestyle, where there are millions of people around you, but no one matters, nothing else matters except what you have to get done. i think thats what i felt. as long as there were people around me, i didn't need them. earphones on, all i wanted to do was dance. me. i am all that matters.

someone said to me, "the have to live as if God is enough. your kind of thinking doesn't help you." my kind of thinking. what is my kind of thinking, pray tell?

but this post isn't merely written to spite one person. this feeling isnt the result of one person. i thought that all this time i wasn't serving because i didn't want to. i thought i was in control. how naïve to think that i had such power. i'm not serving because of how i'm seen. because of my "way of thinking." i'm a hazard. and to have thought that this year i felt like i had grown so much.

jaded

just because i haven't been formally rebuked this year doesn't mean that i've improved my problem. people still see me as the same "threat." hide your girls, fgs.

so then how do i feel about girls? i say that i'm not looking for a relationship, but my actions don't seem to reflect that, does it? i honestly have no idea. but there's always a way to fix that... HAHAHA

ok so i got kind of sidetracked... ME. me and God. fine. then i don't need anyone else. its just me and God, right? everyone else is flawed and fails. yeah, maybe you were right, person who said that to me the other day. i really don't need anyone else. i feared being alone.

but alone is what i want. so then whats the feeling for wanting other people? the devil? my selfishness, right? so whats all this about God being a relational being? oh, only people of the same sex... adam and steve?

this is turning more and more into a huge rant. i'm a pretty angry person... lol.


i'm tired... i just want to go home to my mommy. nothing to worry about....

what goes around...

Facebook is amazing. haha.

its crazy that FB makes it so easy to find people that you haven't talked to in forever. back in the day. like, jr high... thats crazy throwback... anyway. my mom would run these afterschool programs, korean schools, summer schools, and of course i was always there too. a) because i love my mommy b) im pretty sure she ran them so that she could keep a check on me. but thats another blog that i will hopefully post soon. anyway.

girls. i was always on the older side. for some reason, i was always on the older side. my mom apparently likes to work with younger children. so i was always a TA or whatever. most of the kids ended up being roughly my brothers age. this may have a lot to do with why i am the way i am now... lol. it doesn't quite answer why im not that fond of people in my year, but i guess it does explain why im so fond of the younger.

so anyway. over the years, i remember that there were a couple girls that i found to be really cute. the oldest of them was at least two years younger than me. back then, i was in 8th grade and they were like, in 5th or something. i was graduating middle school and they were graduating elementary. thats ridiculous. even now some people think its not all that kosher... well whatever.

i remember there was this one boy that they all used to have a crush on. it was either John Ahn or my brother i think. what did that leave for me? i couldn't really do much but be nice and just be an older brother. hahaha.

now why do i bring this up... knowing full well that im gonna get people using this as a ref to call me a pedo, BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST WON'T SADFKASD QUIT...

-ahem- excuse me.

i bring these things up because years later, i have come back into contact with such people. its funny that when we talk, the very first things they'll say is, oh you were so nice to me back then. haha. its pretty cool that i get another chance to talk to them. that when im older and the both of us are more mature that we would be given an oppertunity to meet again. i mean sure we could've dated back then, broken up of course and whatever. OR. i could just have been nice, and when the time was more appropriate, meet them again. not saying that i'm going to go out and pursue everyone that i used to think was cute, but its just so interesting to re-meet people like that.

i'm also surprised at how many people have found dancing as a common interest...

and oh yeah, if you haven't guessed, this morning i got a FB message from someone i haven't talked to in years. =) i'll probably meet her when i go back to nyc for that really awesome one week break... also interestingly enough, guys don't do this. i haven't gotten a message from a little boy that i haven't talked to in a long time. not important.

ok, too tired to keep my eyes open any longer. gnite.