Life is what you make it

Daniel Tosh - Life is What You Make It

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complaining about people complaining

i debated whether to write this blog or not. but eh...

Daniel Tosh pokes fun at this cliché phrase, but i think that there is definitely some truth to it.

you can sit wherever you are, continually complaining about what you're going through, or you could actually make something of it.

i tell everyone that i don't have a job because of the economy. is that really it? heck no. i know what i don't have a job. it's cus i'm not trying... DUH. but i'm for sure not complaining about it. haha. i don't worry about getting a job... maybe this is arrogance, idk, but i honestly believe that if i try, i definitely will get a job. i partly arrogance, but this far in life, i've already experienced that jeremiah 29:11 is definitely true.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

whenever i needed to make a decision as to where to go next, God has always provided so much more than i could ever have needed/wanted.

God is so good, and promised us so much blessings. in family group, we're going through genesis and reading through how God promised so many blessings to Abraham. even in the new testament, Jesus promises us the spirit, and all that we can accomplish through Him. victory, power, wisdom, etc. so rather than sitting there complaining about this or that, and being bitter, please go and make life what you decide to make it.

haterade

if you read the below entry, you could kind of guess that i am a rather angry person. though if you see me around, it's not quite as obvious. but i don't think thats important.

as i made the finals cuts on my project this afternoon, ready to be done with my 3rd year of the Architecture program at Drexel University, i should have been ecstatic. i should've been smiling like an idiot and so happy. instead, my mind was occupied with the idea of hatred.

i feel that it is the nature of korean people to be passionate. you can see the manifestation of such passion when you see how they cheer in the world cup or witness what goes on within their churches; no one quite prays like the korean mother praying for her children. i too have inherited this passion.

as a child, the only times i could remember when that passion would be revealed was when i was furious. perhaps i was just as passionate when i was happy, but i don't remember right now. when i got mad i would be so consumed that i gained superhuman strength. i was a little asian hulk.

...maybe not.

the point was that just like any other boy, my emotions take physical form. we punch walls, we fight, we play handball. handball helped a lot, esp during high school to keep me from fighting. now that vent is dancing. i wrote about this on a previous blog. but what i've realized is that that covers the physical needs of my emotions, but not the emotion itself.

i'm seen as feminine. so i like the color pink, i like shopping, etc. the more embarrassing thing may quite possibly be that i m feminine even in my dealing with emotion. like i previously mentioned, boys fight. girls may not create any physical damage, but work on a much more psychological and mental level.

when someone wrongs me, im not the macho man that can just brush it off. instead, i view that person with contempt and eventually if they cross my path enough times, with hatred. having said all of that, i've become quite good at hating people. i've become quite good at finding reasons to hate, and even to spread hatred.

on two occasions of my life, i have been told something very interesting. that i have was "working for satan." quite a statement. imagine hearing that from a "pastor" and the leader of the worship team. that was an interesting year...

so back to finishing up my project. as i made those last cuts, i wondered about the power of hatred. the scary part about hatred is that so often people dont fully acknowledge its power. we preach about how great love is, but how great also is hatred? people say that the two strongest emotions are love and hate and that you shouldn't use either too freely. according to physics, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. the chinese philosophy of yin and yang teaches of equilibrium and balance. nicholas sparks movies and other chick flicks remind us that love conquers all. should a force so powerful be without a counterpart?

the church knows a lot about love. every week, the pastor stands behind the pew or on a university leacture hall stage and preaches a message about Jesus and his love for us. the all powerful love that has conquered our sins. don't get me wrong, i fully believe this. God's love does indeed save us from our sins and our savior does reign in victory over the devil.

so what exactly am i trying to say... am i trying to say that God's love is not powerful? no. rather the opposite. you can't fully understand just how powerful God's love is until you realize what exactly it is that love is defeating.

the devil is crafty and full of lies. perhaps one of the greatest lies is the lie that says he is nothing to worry about. when in fact, he lurks within the very walls of the church and even in our own hearts. we shouldn't be going out with waterguns to fight against actual guns. don't be fooled.

mother.

the month of may is mother's month. is it? i dont know. mothers day is in may, so why not? for me, its a double whammy, as my mom's birthday is always about a week after mothers day. this gets me thinking a lot about my mother. in light of mother's day, men's health magazine has an article entitled, what we can learn from our mothers. or something like that. he wrote about how as a man, we strive to become like our father's, yet 50% of our genetic makeup comes from our mothers. how true. this rings even truer for me, since i am a mama's boy and i am so much like my mother.

throughout life, no one has taught me more about how to be a decent human being than my mom. she's been everyhing to me, from a role model, to spiritual mentor, to well... a mom. when we speak of God's love, the closest things we have to compare it to is that of a mother's love for a child. without a doubt, my mom has shown me a tremendous amount of love and care. (maybe a bit much. hehe.)

that having been said, my character has so much been shaped by my mom. not only in the sense that i am very much like her, but as someone pointed out today, that its most likely because of how comfortable i am to my mom that im so much more comfortable relating to girls. (that, and my mom did say that she used to hang out with more older brothers too....) anyway.

needless to say, it's amounted to a somewhat more difficult lifestyle for me.

tuesday, may 26th, 2009. 5:02pm. its rainging.

it's not raining to the point where raindrops fall from the sky, its a light mist. im moist. would i rahter be wet? not really. usually i would prefer for it to rain, but i'm heading to class. theres nothing worse than sitting through class wet.

alone.

the other day i woke up feeling so alone. i lay in bed wondering who would love me. to hear about it, or even think about it is pathetic. i didn't think that i could possibly feel more alone than that in the world. i was wrong.

as i walk down the engineering line behind the Main building at Drexel, looking for the Fat Sandwich cart, i realized that i am more alone than i know. and yet i felt content.

i don't need anyone. im so used to the new york lifestyle, where there are millions of people around you, but no one matters, nothing else matters except what you have to get done. i think thats what i felt. as long as there were people around me, i didn't need them. earphones on, all i wanted to do was dance. me. i am all that matters.

someone said to me, "the have to live as if God is enough. your kind of thinking doesn't help you." my kind of thinking. what is my kind of thinking, pray tell?

but this post isn't merely written to spite one person. this feeling isnt the result of one person. i thought that all this time i wasn't serving because i didn't want to. i thought i was in control. how naïve to think that i had such power. i'm not serving because of how i'm seen. because of my "way of thinking." i'm a hazard. and to have thought that this year i felt like i had grown so much.

jaded

just because i haven't been formally rebuked this year doesn't mean that i've improved my problem. people still see me as the same "threat." hide your girls, fgs.

so then how do i feel about girls? i say that i'm not looking for a relationship, but my actions don't seem to reflect that, does it? i honestly have no idea. but there's always a way to fix that... HAHAHA

ok so i got kind of sidetracked... ME. me and God. fine. then i don't need anyone else. its just me and God, right? everyone else is flawed and fails. yeah, maybe you were right, person who said that to me the other day. i really don't need anyone else. i feared being alone.

but alone is what i want. so then whats the feeling for wanting other people? the devil? my selfishness, right? so whats all this about God being a relational being? oh, only people of the same sex... adam and steve?

this is turning more and more into a huge rant. i'm a pretty angry person... lol.


i'm tired... i just want to go home to my mommy. nothing to worry about....

what goes around...

Facebook is amazing. haha.

its crazy that FB makes it so easy to find people that you haven't talked to in forever. back in the day. like, jr high... thats crazy throwback... anyway. my mom would run these afterschool programs, korean schools, summer schools, and of course i was always there too. a) because i love my mommy b) im pretty sure she ran them so that she could keep a check on me. but thats another blog that i will hopefully post soon. anyway.

girls. i was always on the older side. for some reason, i was always on the older side. my mom apparently likes to work with younger children. so i was always a TA or whatever. most of the kids ended up being roughly my brothers age. this may have a lot to do with why i am the way i am now... lol. it doesn't quite answer why im not that fond of people in my year, but i guess it does explain why im so fond of the younger.

so anyway. over the years, i remember that there were a couple girls that i found to be really cute. the oldest of them was at least two years younger than me. back then, i was in 8th grade and they were like, in 5th or something. i was graduating middle school and they were graduating elementary. thats ridiculous. even now some people think its not all that kosher... well whatever.

i remember there was this one boy that they all used to have a crush on. it was either John Ahn or my brother i think. what did that leave for me? i couldn't really do much but be nice and just be an older brother. hahaha.

now why do i bring this up... knowing full well that im gonna get people using this as a ref to call me a pedo, BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST WON'T SADFKASD QUIT...

-ahem- excuse me.

i bring these things up because years later, i have come back into contact with such people. its funny that when we talk, the very first things they'll say is, oh you were so nice to me back then. haha. its pretty cool that i get another chance to talk to them. that when im older and the both of us are more mature that we would be given an oppertunity to meet again. i mean sure we could've dated back then, broken up of course and whatever. OR. i could just have been nice, and when the time was more appropriate, meet them again. not saying that i'm going to go out and pursue everyone that i used to think was cute, but its just so interesting to re-meet people like that.

i'm also surprised at how many people have found dancing as a common interest...

and oh yeah, if you haven't guessed, this morning i got a FB message from someone i haven't talked to in years. =) i'll probably meet her when i go back to nyc for that really awesome one week break... also interestingly enough, guys don't do this. i haven't gotten a message from a little boy that i haven't talked to in a long time. not important.

ok, too tired to keep my eyes open any longer. gnite.

i'm a toys 'r ' us kid

"so... you don't drink...? like... at all...?

"oh... that's... good! good for you!"

so today, i had the pleasure of having a friend come over and visit me in my very far apt. it was especially nice to have someone visit because i'm crippled. so as we spoke, she mentioned how she was going to turn 21 soon. that surprised me, because i would never have guessed that she was younger than me. everything about her seems so much older. she was telling me about her relationship with her boyfriend, and how she almost lives with them, and her bf's family thinks they should get married. she's had multiple jobs, and has moved out of her house. 

i was talking to a "friend," who told me that her boyfriend had just proposed to her. that's the first person i've ever known to tell me that. Oklahoma sure is a crazy place. anyway. 

these are both people my age. it blows my mind how fast they're growing up. as i sit here and think about my own life, i notice how young i am. so many things that i do i do just to try and keep younger for that much longer... i've yet to ever have a real job, and have postponed the process of actually getting a job since the last summer for... quite some time.

the thought occured to me just a little while ago, about why i don't drink. there are plenty of reasons, actually. 

• i hated it whenever my dad would come home intoxicated and how much my mom would worry. i told myself i would never have my wife or my kids ever have to experience that. 
• i have a tendency to overdo things. i do everything in excess, which includes drinking normal beverages. i doubt that alcohol would be any different.
• also, self control is not quite a strong point...

but if i think about it, drinking is just another one of those "grown up things." marriage, drinking, having a job, these are all things that would just make me feel so much... 

...older... 

my brother asks why i'm always so giddy and when i will grow up. people often mistake him as the older one. Slim says that i could easily be the youngest or an only child. 

from Matthew 18

² Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. ³ Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. ⁴ So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

what's the hurry to grow up? there's plenty of time to get married, have kids... grow old... that can always be something to look forward to, but the past or the present isn't coming back, right? i don't know. this is starting to sound cheesey... 

anyway. i don't know how child-like Jesus would consider me, but i definitely enjoy just living life... i'm enjoying this recession. well not "enjoying..." but i enjoy the fact that because of the recession there isn't the pressure for me to get a job. i enjoy the fact that because of Drexel's 230942347 98 year program i don't graduate for a while. i enjoy the fact that i'm quite single and won't be getting married for quite some time. i complain about all these things, but deep down, i truly love it! haha. 

black day prayer.

Lord God, thank you for how good you are to us. we know that Father you have so much in store for us and have such a great plan as well as an amazing girl/boy for us somewhere; just not right now. thank you.


lol. this is how i prayed with Alina and Winslow as we ate our jjajangmyun...

but all in all, it was definitely a lot of fun today, and God really is good. There is a time for it all, and i definitely thoroughly enjoyed myself today with a yuhj. well, Alina was there... but still. lol. its just so much fun to see how other people happy. i really think seeing Alina that happy about going to 5th st. was probably one of the best feelings ever.

and just, it was so much fun, going through H-Mart and feeling so korean. haha.

God is here.

on march 29th of 2009, Overflow guest performed for the New Spirit of Penn(NSP), at the Rodin rooftop lounge. the rooftop lounge has glass from floor to ceiling to really let sunlight pour in, as well as give you a spectacular view of the city, being that it is up on the 25(?) floor.

there was an introduction, and another guest performer that went before we did. we were the third act to go. i was feeling pretty tired right before it all began, but when NSP opened up, and the beat got going, i started to regain my spirit. i love being at NSP's "Total Praise Cafe." they're a really amazing group, and worshipping with them is such a blessing. people actually dancing and just getting all into the praise, its amazing. as i was clapping my hands, moving my feet, and just thinkign about how sick NSP is, i began to notice the clouds.

it was a pretty dreary day to being with, but after we came out from sunday service, the sun was out and shining. the gig started at 6, so it was till day outside, and the sun was still out. but clouds started rolling in, and it looked like a storm was coming. it's amazing how it looked from up there...

so it was Overflow's turn. Chrissy Kim goes up and grabs the microphone. immediately following her first few words, there was a sudden pounding noise. we looked to see where the sound was coming from, we face the west window. a flash storm of mass hail had begun. it wasn't a gradual plip, plop, that built up, but all at once the hail came down. the wind blew so hard that the hail was falling at an angle, directly hitting the windows. it was amazing. it was so loud, and came at such a shock, that people didn't know what to do. there was a pause and we all just looked around. it was truly something to be admired. we couldn't even hear Chrissy on the microphone. people began to clap and cheer. God was here.

i was looking for an old post from my xanga that i had written. it was about thunder and lightning. but i couldn't find it so im just going to have to rewrite it.

growing up, i used to be so afraid of lightning. i remember that especially on Good Friday there was a huge storm, and my mom said that it always stormed on Good Friday. i would like to think so. but this one time, it was a Good Friday, and i still lived on the first floor of my house. the thunder was so loud and i was so scared that i hid under a blanket.

over time i began to miss that thunder. i don't know if its just me, but it hasn't been storming as much lately. when was the last time it was super stormy, and it was thundering and lightning...ing...? it just doesn't happen as much.

i can't remember if it was from a sermon, but i saw Cain from the Bible in a different light. i think it was a sermon. i doubt i would be able to come up with something like this one my own. the pastor read through Cain's repsonse when God has approached him about killing his brother. Cain responds by saying the following:

Cain replied to the Lord, “My punishment is too great for me to bear! You have banished me from the land and from your presence

he may have been a murderer, but he did get one thing right. being banished from God's presence was too much to bear. ultimately, Hell is more than brimstones and a man with a pitchfork. it's the absence of God's presence.

people have different little things that they like to say what thunder is. they say that God is bowling. lightning is God taking a picture of us. to me, thunder and lightning are God's presence. and as i think about how much less often i hear the thunder, i wonder if it means that God isn't with us as much anymore... are we becoming a peoples that God no longer favors?

but this sunday, march 29th, i experienced God's presence in glory and splendor. the hail started right when Chrissy began to introduce us. due to our height in the highrises, we were right in the clouds.

it's like this picture, but we were the ones covered. i remember as i was on the stage to dance, the sun shone as well. it was hail/raining and the sun shone directly in on us. and i'm pretty sure that the hail was done when we were done with our piece. on top of all that, for one scene i added the sound effects for rain and thunder. at one point when the thunder sfx played, lightning flashed outside. it couldn't have been timed any better. truly God was blessing overflow.

this is one the greatest natural phenomenons i have ever witnessed. another one is being at the beach during a lightning storm to see the lightning touch the ocean. amazing.

3 things that made me happy today. 3/21

three things could not explain how AMAZING TODAY WAS.

"...sartorial splendor..." [in reference to my outfit today]
-my professor.

3 things that made me happy today. 3/17

1. i am DONE with my final!!!!

2. i love playing poker. A FULL HOUSE, BABY!!! that's architecture for you, son.

3. you know whats an amazing feeling??? punching a new hole in your belt, because its TOO BIG!

3 things that made me happy today. 3/16

so i was way too cracked out to blog yesterday...

today.

1. andrew han thinks I've improved a lot, due to my capoeira lessons.

2. so i saw all the overflowers again today. mmmmmmmm... and i got a present! from Joy Lee. oh, what a cutie pie.

3. free food at the Hans, baby!

3 things that made me happy today. 3/14

i woke up really happy today.

i promptly woke up at 9:30 and did work, without even brushing my teeth or eating anything for like a good hour or two. i was pretty happy about myself. and the feeling of waking up 199 was once again there to make me just feel even that much more amazing.

however somehow i was not very happy today. i spent a crapload on food today. when i'm in finals mode, i get to eat whatever. heh.

but at the end of the day, other than having done work all day, i can't come up with things that made me happy... wtheck. i was REALLY happy today, then its all gone, and im really mad more than anything right now, at the end of the day... wtf

3 things that made me happy today. 3/13

wow. what a friday.

1. i ran into Regina Chan! CRAZIEST thing. so i haven't seen her since we graduated. and i haven't really spoken to her since like my junior year of high school. we co-led our "on campus" high school fellowship. it was just sooooo insane that i ran into her, and we got to talk for like a good two hours, just chillin in a dunkin donuts, about life, high school, where other people are now, our families, just whatever.

2. now the reason i got the chance to run into Regina, was because i was showing around Justine and her best friend. it's cool to see old friends meet. this also made me happy. to see others happy.

3. I WEIGHED IN THIS MORNING AT 199!!!!!!!! my first time below 200!!!!!!! WHOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

3 things that made me happy today. 3/12

1. Two different people, at two very different times asked me if i lost weight. =D Andrew Han asked me before class, and then Berakah asked me while i was playing Halo. i feel so good!

2. after eating Taqueria yesterday at 2, i was sooo full that i skipped dinner. then i ended up staying up til 6 working on the project, and was too busy to realize i hadn't eaten anything. i went to bed and woke up at 4pm. thats a full 26 hours! however, after that, i made some stuff and then went to Drexel and had hoagies from P. Andy! wootwoot!

3. i saw my fobs today. haha. they're so cute. back from mexico... without a tan... lol.

3 things that made me happy today. 3/11

1. went to go eat Taqueria la Veracruzana with Eric and Elias =) SO GOOD! my room smells like pico de gallo... cactus!

2. getting a jarrito limon right after... =) i love mexicans...

3. out of the blue, a Jennifer Kim calls. we hang out. woot!

3 things that made me happy today. 3/10

being home throws me off so completely...

1. i got back to philly. just over two hours! =)

2. entertainment. meaning i watched the HSM3 that i jacked from home, and HALO! long time...

3. my project went ok. i seriously have the nicest professor ever...

3 things that made me happy today. 3/7

1. i hung out with my BFF! wootwoot! nuff said.

2. Kollaboration!!! FINALLY. after following the revolution since the first time i saw DJ ahjuhsshi, or David Elsewhere breaking it down on youtube, i finally got to go to Kollab and see PK. this dude is so awesome. and i caught a shirt! given i did fight a bit to get it, i caught a shirt from Manifest! sickkkkk. Manifest and Lyricks. i love these guys too. it's just so cool to see christians being cool too. haha. and Lyricks... this man is so powerful. i remember reading his xanga once, seeing his myspace, and just... i don't know. he's an honest guy. that just loves God and worships with what he does.

3. i really liked my outfit today... HAHA.

3 things that made me happy today. 3/6

i felt really good today. i was really happy.

it started with a good morning. i was late to morning prayer by 20 minutes, and i couldn't actually get real prayer in, but...

1. breakfast with frosh. somehow this was just so uplifting. it was fun.

2. making sushi... and eating way too many avacados...

3. my bbf is in philly. =)

3 things that made me happy today. 3/5

1. QUEST CREW!!!!!!!!!!!! OMASDFLASDFMOASGMLASDFSLDF LSDFLSADJALSDJG SOOOOOO SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. le grande tour de Drexel! with Kenny and Prissy. (she's going to kill me...) no, but really, thanks SO much for coming. now i know how the Bryn Mawr girls feel and how they're just so happy to receive even me. haha. it was just so awesome to have you guys come over and really want to get to know us and what we're about. forreal, i feel like this is wussup. no motives, no nothing, its just let's be chill, hang, and just whatevs, you know? just hangin and whatevs, talking... it just felt so HUMAN. which just felt sooo good... yo. maaaad love.

3. studio. im really meticulous and extremely picky about my design. so i pretty much change it like every week, until i find something im really satisfied with. just today, i changed it. of course i don't have enough time, because i changed it within hours of class. however, i managed to pull off enough work for class, and talk to my professor, and im just really happy with the way everything went. we even got out early! even though i was tired, class went well, im happy with my design, and my professor unstands me. =P what could be better...

3 things that made me happy today. 3/4

1. I LEARNED CAPOEIRA TODAY!!! this makes me sooo happy! it turns out i can do a lot of what the dude was teaching me.

2. BEING ABLE TO DO MOST OF WHAT HE WAS DOING!!!

3. learning about Oklahoma! 20 year olds with rifles and shotguns...

3 things that made me happy today. 3/3

1. possibility of a charrette team with Drexel Cru/GCC. it's the dream come true! architects, architectural engineers, interior designers, all working together!!!talking to deborah yeh. what a silly.

2. talking to deborah yeh. what a silly...

3. how easy it was to find parking today for class, even though i don't really think i needed to drive to campus today...



i struggled to come up with these three things... you could kind of tell...

3 things that made me happy today. 3/2

so one of my friends wrote on her blog, that she wrote down three things that made her happy that day, and she noticed how much happier she was. so i figured instead of killing this blog, i would resuscitate it with this.

1. that girl at the gym who keeps following me.

2. the guy at the gym that helped me with my handstands, and also offered to teach me capoeira.

3. hyun kim. i love the way this man thinks.

childlike.

so i was talking to an old friend. we talked about many things. and a topic that came up was kids. not like, having kids, but just kids. how much i love kids. my FB profile picture is currently me and a bunch of kids from my mom's afterschool program. they're adorable.

before the break, when my mom called, sometimes she would talk about some of the kids, and how what kind of issues they have, how she's working with them, or just straight up how cute they are. so during the break, i had to go take a look for myself. even though there wasn't any school, the afterschool was open because the kids' parents have to work and they have no where else to go. since they don't have homework, and making them to problem sets during the break is somewhat torture, considering that the oldest kid is like, in 6th grade or something. so the pastor who runs it with my mom, who happens to be the other pastor, decided to take them on fun trips. ice skating, bowling, whatever. the teachers are high school students and are on break, so they were understaffed. so i took the pleasure of getting to go ice skating and bowling for free. =)

this is a picture i took of this girl named Christina. basically what i was doing at the ice rink was being chased around by kids. and when they catch me, they'd hold onto the back of my jacket and then have me drag them around. all in all, it was really tiring... i was definitely sore the next morning. but i love this picture i took of Christina. she was one of my favorite kids there. when i looked at her, she would kind of wobble from side to side and flail her arms and giggle. then i would do something else, and then she'd burst out into laughter and then you'd see the smile like in the above picture.

Her name is Erin. she was really sick the day we went ice skating, but she still REALLY wanted to go, so her mom came with her, just to make sure she was going to be ok. i didn't really get too many pictures of her ice skating. she's so cute. the first time i showed up at the afterschool, she had a name tag that said Mama Bear. something from school. but she asked, "who are you?" and it struck me. it was so funny. i don't know why. when we were at the skate rink, she looked miserable and was looking for her mom while everyone else was on the rink. so i decided to take her out on the ice. i went around the rink, and pretended to look for her mom, so she wouldn't start crying or something. but eventually we came back and she found her mom by the entrance to the rink. but later, while she was on the ice, her mom got kind of tired of skating with her, and she asked me to take her around. after i got tired, i brought her back to her mom. but by the end, her mom was chasing me down, shooing all the other kids away, and asked me to give special attention to Erin, because all the other kids got to skate and play with me. and she said Erin only looked for me. it's one thing to skate around in circles avoiding people.

this... a lot more difficult... as you can see, her mom didn't such a great job of shooing the kids, and i eventually had to do both... skate with Erin, and drag the other kids around... it was torturous...

it was really hard, but it was so much fun... and to see the kids laugh, smile, and enjoying themselves was so worth it.

this is Brandon. i think he's the smallest and youngest one there. the bowling ball is bigger than his face.

this is Erin's brother Justin. i think he's soooo cute. he fell. hahahaha.



the reason why i bring up all these kids, is hopefully the bring a smile to your face as much they do to mine. one of the greatest things i miss about being away from home, is all these kids. during fg today, we were talking about ways to make pocket change for parking (because they double the prices! 7.5 minutes for one quarter?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!), and someone said something about buying cigarettes and selling them to minors. terrible, yes. but someone else mentioned, there isn't anyone in UC between the ages 0-18...

during the new year's service at my mom's church, oen of the deacons came over to my mom and i with his baby girl. she just turned one this past weekend. but when he came over with her, as he greeted use happy new year, my mom took the baby in her arms, so her daddy could sing some praises, and get a bit of relief. the baby looked at my mom with this look, i'm so serious, she raised one eyebrow as to ask, "who are you?" it killed me. she was sooooo cute. (i do realize i have no other words to use other than cute or adorable...) i wanted to hold her. that following sunday, my mom and i stalked her, and i got the chance to hold her. ;P i wish i had gotten a picture of her...

this is another girl, but just because i have it. :D it melts my heart when babies smile. you can't be angry holding a smiling baby. the laughing baby video on youtube? EVERY time. it makes me smile.

this is a hypothesis i came up with. it may be a stretch, but i think that for this very reason, i'm so attracted to small people. small people who laugh, and smile like they don't have a care in the world.












now i'm going to try to do something, but i don't know if will make sense. forgive me if it doesn't. so we finished up the book of John in fg today. we read over the part when Jesus asks Peter, "do you love me?" as i thought about Peter, i think that perhaps he may be the "childlike" that Jesus says we should be like. he's so quick to speak, irrational, and just plain silly sometimes. i got a new perspective today on his being "hurt." before, when i read it, i always kind of read it as his pride got hurt or something. like Jesus doesn't believe him, and is repeatedly asking. kind of like, why do you have to ask me again and again? i had always kind of seen him as kind of a jerk too. haha. but today someone had countered my response and said that that wasn't how he saw it. and he explained. and i think that it made a lot more sense.

he was hurt. hurt that Jesus didn't believe him. and that mattered not because of his pride, but because he REALLY did love Jesus, and he screwed up and he wanted Jesus to believe him. the words, "Lord you know..." would be something that he would be pleading, and crying, and on his knees. at least this is how i see it now. and it makes so much more sense. i don't know why i had such a different view. i thought, what if i made that mistake. what would i have done? would i have jumped into the water and swam towards Jesus like that? i would probably have stayed behind and hid. kind of like Adam and Eve. but how i child react? if a child had never gotten in trouble, and his parents loved him so dearly, i feel like... if he did something wrong, like say break a vase. i can't come up with a better illustration... but if that happened, i feel like the first thing he would do is run to his mommy, and tell her what happened. not afraid that he would get in trouble, but scared because he doesn't know what to do. it's broken! what should i do??? and he would run to his mommy and say "Mom! i broke it!" to admit he made a mistake, but also to say," i don't know what to do! i need your help."

this is Semi. she's really annoying. therefore, she gets made fun of a lot. one time the kids made fun of her so much, she went home crying and told her dad. the next day, he came in and asked who had done that to his daughter, and was ready to bring the pain. she's got the right idea.

and perhaps this is what Peter was thinking when he jumped into the waters. Jesus! he had made a huuuge mistake. so where else should he turn, but to the one that he had wronged. our pride has become such an issue. MY pride has become such an issue... but no kid cares about their reputation. no kid cares about their pride. the same girl, Semi. she gets made fun of all the time... haha. but she has the balls to say to their face, "Hey! that's really mean! you hurt me." actually, now that i think about it... i could definitely take a lesson in that...

one time, she had noticed that uh... i have uh... ahem, pecs. and she started calling me "boob." i was like oh my, this child... and i can't even say anything like "well you don't have any," because she's like.. ten or something. but that's the thing. the immediate reaction is to defend myself, and turn this against her. but i couldn't. so what did i do? in turn just ignored her for the rest of the week that i was there. lookig back, the appropriate thing to do would've been to say first off, "that's not really nice, that hurts my feelings. you don't like it when people call you names, right?" instead, i think i left it at, "that's not nice." and she continued to do it, so then i started to ignore her. how could i admit that a ten year old child had hurt me? how could i admit that ANYONE has hurt me?

why can't i do something as simple as to say, "that hurts?"



...a ten year old can....

i love you.

one day...


i will find you.

one day i'll look into your eyes and all this will be worth it.

one day i will tell you how sorry i am for all i've done and will do even after i've written this.



one day...





...when i show you this you're going to laugh at me... and i'll smile.