so where am i now?

i must be getting old. more and more my daily conversations include life plans. though i have much time before i actually do have to reach such a point in time, well more than others anyway. however, part of those conversations are about relationships, and when people are planning on getting married.

marriage... such a far away concept. we're only 20! only 20? its only a couple of years from when most people want to get married. another 4, 5, 6? thats not really much, considering how quickly time passes now.

but to get married you have to find someone first, no? someone said today how they want to date their fiance or whatever for a year or two before getting married. and that person wanted to get married at 25, 26? that means, you have to start, 23? you graduate 22 years old. all in all, there isn't very much time.

i dont think thats so much of my concern really. things will happen as they do. time isn't the issue. the issue is me on relationships. ever since i've started to be in relationships, this has been one of the longest periods since i haven't purused a relationship. its been about two years now since i've been in one. yet i think that its on my mind more than ever though.

ok, so fine. i can admit to having a problem. an addiction to this false idea of love. the one that the world gives off. oh, but what a feeling... i can also admit to being... clingy, obsesssive, possessive... none of which are any good... its been a while since my last relationship like i stated earlier. and i know i've grown so much since. but i can still sense my shortcomings... im still pretty sure that i won't be able to handle a relationship. but still... that feeling! how sinful...

i wish i could write more. i have a lot more to say. but my eyes refuse to stay open... and its 9:42...