infinity???

ok, so justice must be served, for last night's ridiculous, incohesive entry. apparently, incohesive is not a word... definitely sounds like a word...

so with the previous entry in mind, relationships have been on my mind a lot. and so i've been thinking about relationships now, and what i thought they were.

-edit-
so the top portion was written sunday...
it is now monday and im determined to finish this blog...

the idea is how my view on relationships are different from what they were. at least thats one of my points. i've pushed this blog back so long that i have managed to accumulate three blogs into this one. so whoever is reading this is in for a treat. if you're here reading my blog, obviously you want to read about what i have going through my mind, right? so you get triple what you came for!
so i'm now in my third year of college and i have managed to make my way through a couple of relationships; most were bad. but i look around me all the people who have a significant other now. ive been told so much how serious a relationship is, and yet i look at people and wonder what the difference really is. what does a "mature" relationship look like? i'm still unable to justify any form of relationship. for those who have never stumbled across my xanga, let me refresh myself.
as much as i've been addicted to relationships, upon entering college, my perspective has changed and i'm no longer able to justify any relationship, including those of others. i don't see what a mature, holy, just relationship is.
but i have managed to pick up a couple of things. very obvious i know... how blind i was! but during high school, all i knew about relationships was what i saw in kdramas. all that cliche stuff, that cute stuff, the stuff in movies. it can very much explain why im so cheesy. but most definitely, there is so much more to relationships than that. which is so completely evident now.

point 2
people. i'm not a people person. this i've begun to realize more and more. as much as i look XD on the exterior, i definitely only need a couple people around me. i realize this more and more the more tired i am. i just don't want to waste efforts on so many other people. there are few people that i want to be around. those people i care deeply for. those people i tend to have a desire to obsess with/over... i talk about that person a lot, i think about that person a lot, i want to spend as much time as possible with that person... this is when my true colors show. as a "love-me," described so well by Pastor Min's seminar during OIL. read more about it here. find audio sermons here.
but how to fight it... as someone once said... "the only thing that i want is to not drive him/her away/crazy." and i yet i fail so hard. if failblog.org had a Obsession Fail, it would have my picture and say FAIL. but what to make of it? do i DTR? does it mean that i'm into that person? well if we look at people, and then take out the one guy, that leaves us more than one person of the opposite gender. so how do i know which is the one im really into? but i dont want to think about that. i just REALLY don't want to. really don't want to, because i'm scared. i'm scared of DTRs and i'm scared of a relationship. i'm not ready. how do i know i'm not ready? cus i want one. purely by wanting one, i feel as if i'm not ready. i want it for feelings, emotions, adrenaline, pheromones, hormones, whatever. temporary things.
however, at the same time im so curious. how much i would love to start a relationship in a correct way. if i'm able to really love. if i'm able to be a part of an edifying relationship. can i? can i be transformed? the Bible says i can. the good news says i can. this is definitely one of my weaknesses, but God is God alone... from the brokenness, out of the ashes rises...

point 3.
immaturity. how do i know i'm still young? my hatred. the fact that i'm so bitter. i used to think that old people were grumpy, and were more likely to hate people. but as i talked to a 27 year old the other day, he said "you should live life, enjoy it." thats when it hit me. if you think about REAL old people, they live each day trying to get the most out of it. they're more likely to forgive and forget. thus, i am a noob...

i think i have more. but there is something else important going on now. and i feel like i have done justice to my blog at least for now.