fatal

attraction.

so thinking, thinking... it's so unhealthy how obsessed i can get with people. i find these people who i find to be so amazing, and what usually happens is i can't stop talking about them, thinking about them, wanting to see them. people find that very... creepy? i just feel like a kid who's found this awesome looking rock in his backyard, who excitedly goes to show it to his mom, the kids in his neighborhood, to show and tell. it doesn't really work when that rock has a mind of its own, and thinks you're a psycho...

give for...?

is it harder to forgive another or oneself?



doesn't matter. i fail at both. =)

right or wrong

art/architecture is something i found to be awesome because there isnt a right/wrong answer.

now i realize that if anything doesnt have a right answer, it doesn't mean that there can't be a wrong answer. or a whole bunch of wrong answers...

maybe i really don't learn anything...

stupid sleeves...

infinity???

ok, so justice must be served, for last night's ridiculous, incohesive entry. apparently, incohesive is not a word... definitely sounds like a word...

so with the previous entry in mind, relationships have been on my mind a lot. and so i've been thinking about relationships now, and what i thought they were.

-edit-
so the top portion was written sunday...
it is now monday and im determined to finish this blog...

the idea is how my view on relationships are different from what they were. at least thats one of my points. i've pushed this blog back so long that i have managed to accumulate three blogs into this one. so whoever is reading this is in for a treat. if you're here reading my blog, obviously you want to read about what i have going through my mind, right? so you get triple what you came for!
so i'm now in my third year of college and i have managed to make my way through a couple of relationships; most were bad. but i look around me all the people who have a significant other now. ive been told so much how serious a relationship is, and yet i look at people and wonder what the difference really is. what does a "mature" relationship look like? i'm still unable to justify any form of relationship. for those who have never stumbled across my xanga, let me refresh myself.
as much as i've been addicted to relationships, upon entering college, my perspective has changed and i'm no longer able to justify any relationship, including those of others. i don't see what a mature, holy, just relationship is.
but i have managed to pick up a couple of things. very obvious i know... how blind i was! but during high school, all i knew about relationships was what i saw in kdramas. all that cliche stuff, that cute stuff, the stuff in movies. it can very much explain why im so cheesy. but most definitely, there is so much more to relationships than that. which is so completely evident now.

point 2
people. i'm not a people person. this i've begun to realize more and more. as much as i look XD on the exterior, i definitely only need a couple people around me. i realize this more and more the more tired i am. i just don't want to waste efforts on so many other people. there are few people that i want to be around. those people i care deeply for. those people i tend to have a desire to obsess with/over... i talk about that person a lot, i think about that person a lot, i want to spend as much time as possible with that person... this is when my true colors show. as a "love-me," described so well by Pastor Min's seminar during OIL. read more about it here. find audio sermons here.
but how to fight it... as someone once said... "the only thing that i want is to not drive him/her away/crazy." and i yet i fail so hard. if failblog.org had a Obsession Fail, it would have my picture and say FAIL. but what to make of it? do i DTR? does it mean that i'm into that person? well if we look at people, and then take out the one guy, that leaves us more than one person of the opposite gender. so how do i know which is the one im really into? but i dont want to think about that. i just REALLY don't want to. really don't want to, because i'm scared. i'm scared of DTRs and i'm scared of a relationship. i'm not ready. how do i know i'm not ready? cus i want one. purely by wanting one, i feel as if i'm not ready. i want it for feelings, emotions, adrenaline, pheromones, hormones, whatever. temporary things.
however, at the same time im so curious. how much i would love to start a relationship in a correct way. if i'm able to really love. if i'm able to be a part of an edifying relationship. can i? can i be transformed? the Bible says i can. the good news says i can. this is definitely one of my weaknesses, but God is God alone... from the brokenness, out of the ashes rises...

point 3.
immaturity. how do i know i'm still young? my hatred. the fact that i'm so bitter. i used to think that old people were grumpy, and were more likely to hate people. but as i talked to a 27 year old the other day, he said "you should live life, enjoy it." thats when it hit me. if you think about REAL old people, they live each day trying to get the most out of it. they're more likely to forgive and forget. thus, i am a noob...

i think i have more. but there is something else important going on now. and i feel like i have done justice to my blog at least for now.

so where am i now?

i must be getting old. more and more my daily conversations include life plans. though i have much time before i actually do have to reach such a point in time, well more than others anyway. however, part of those conversations are about relationships, and when people are planning on getting married.

marriage... such a far away concept. we're only 20! only 20? its only a couple of years from when most people want to get married. another 4, 5, 6? thats not really much, considering how quickly time passes now.

but to get married you have to find someone first, no? someone said today how they want to date their fiance or whatever for a year or two before getting married. and that person wanted to get married at 25, 26? that means, you have to start, 23? you graduate 22 years old. all in all, there isn't very much time.

i dont think thats so much of my concern really. things will happen as they do. time isn't the issue. the issue is me on relationships. ever since i've started to be in relationships, this has been one of the longest periods since i haven't purused a relationship. its been about two years now since i've been in one. yet i think that its on my mind more than ever though.

ok, so fine. i can admit to having a problem. an addiction to this false idea of love. the one that the world gives off. oh, but what a feeling... i can also admit to being... clingy, obsesssive, possessive... none of which are any good... its been a while since my last relationship like i stated earlier. and i know i've grown so much since. but i can still sense my shortcomings... im still pretty sure that i won't be able to handle a relationship. but still... that feeling! how sinful...

i wish i could write more. i have a lot more to say. but my eyes refuse to stay open... and its 9:42...

wo[man]

so i'm home quite a lot. and i managed to figure out how to use my TV tuner for my quad core desktop computer. however, i don't have cable, so i'm stuck with basic channels. and daytime TV kinda sucks, but i just have it on anyways, to just have some noise so i don't feel like my room is too empty during the day. so i end up half watching shows like "Home Improvement" and "King of Queens" (Yay Queens! the borough in NY...) so i'm doing my homework and watching this show, "Just Shoot Me," where David Spade is the only actor/actress i can recognize. though today Steve Carrell was on it, guest appearing. anyway. there was this one scene, and these three guys are all watching this really sappy movie and then saying things like, oh i wish society didn't pressure us to keep up this manly facade, and etc... then one of the guys says, i wish i was a woman. then of course the serious moment ends, they're all like OOOOOOHhhhhhhh k..... peace out.

of course its an odd thing to say. though there was that other time that i followed Chase to the Safe Zone lecture about gays/lesbians/trans for free food... bad experience, but they were explaining how there are people, Transsexuals who believe that they were born the wrong sex.

i'm not going to go as far as to say that i was born the wrong sex... i think that's absurd. God has his reasons for everything. however... there is part of me that says hm...

and so here are the reasons why sometimes i wish i was of the opposite gender.

-my first is if i had my current mind. basically, if i just switched my brain.
i get along so much better with girls. that having been said, i feel like if i were a girl too then it would allow for me to get closer to them, have them trust me more, hang out with them more, and even be able to mentor them, whatever. eveything more.
-i feel like it's always much easier to say that a girl is too good for a guy than vice versa.
-guys are the one that have to take the initiative. the only exception being a sadie hawkins. its so much easier to just reject and/or to accept, rather than try and figure out if you should do something. to try and read the girls mind and see if shes on the same page with you. and i suck at reading girls minds or taking initiative. i'm not the leading male that i'm supposed to be.
-if you're a girl that can do something, you're so much cooler than a guy who can. like girls who can play guitar are freaking awesome. whereas almost all guys are required to play guitar. girls who can play sports well are so much more noticed.

-its so much more fun to shop. girls get to wear guys clothes. some girls fit into even childrens clothes. they're cheaper too. so you have a wider variety. even more so with dresses, shoes, etc. ooooh man... i wish i could wear legwarmers, or those knits that have those ridiculously oversized collars, like the image on the side. or a shawl! or... so many other things guys can't wear... like cool socks... toe socks!

-i feel like i'd look more attractive as a girl. like, if you were to translate this over to girl, i feel like i just overall be more attractive. then again, this is kind of following my own taste, because im not into girls who are like, super stick skinny. so i'd be a hotter girl. in my eyes. i dont know if anyone will understand that one...

now, here are the reasons why i'm glad i'm a guy.
-if shopping had that much variety and was that much fun, i'd be so much more poor.
-all the biological reasons related to childbearing.
-i like girls. alot
-i like suits. alot

i think the girls side outweighs the guys side right now though... sad... i'm definitely not going to go as far as call myself a transsexual. no way. i know that i'm supposed to be a guy. i just kinda suck at it right now...

thank you

for smiling.

humanity.

its funny these little phrases that people have.

to err is human.

how can i feel like i'm making so many mistakes but not enough... i want to go out and do something so wrong. something dumb. something like what my idiot brother did on halloween night...

i haven't CONSCIOUSLY made a mistake in a while. i think thats what im trying to get at. the mistakes i make are all... i guess real err...ing...?

but i still don't feel human. i've been reading a collection of essays on objectivism. i admit i haven't gotten far, but the first part was about what separates humans from all other living organisms. whther true or blasphemy, the difference has been described as humans are the only beings that can choose their own destruction. there was a lot more to it, but the idea that humans have the ability to consciously make decisions.

decisions decisions decisions! and everyday i come across way too many decisions, too many questions to ask myself. i question my every motive. my every action. my every move. should i call him? should i talk to her again? should i go see him? should i write on her facebook? should i give this? should i NOT!? it's scary to have to ask myself everything.

a friend says that its not being me. then who am i being? i want to be me. of course i do. its easier, its more authentic, but it hasn't worked before. it's not something i think people want.



i know this. i have a tendency to obsess. i want it all. (HSM3!!!) but no, really. i want it all.
any interest cannot simply be an interest. it must become an obsession. it's helpful when it comes down to my projects. it helps to get me in the game. but its not quite so helpful with my relationships with people. i can say that every dating relationship i have been in has failed because of my obsessive, addictive behavior. i can say that it is highly dangerous in my friendships.

so what do i do? heck, i don't know...

blogs are a funny thing...

i don't know who is going to get access to this blog. i don't know who will read this.

having said that...





keeping myself busy makes me feel important.

an explanation.

i apologize to anyone who has stumbled across this blog actually looking for something sartorial.
the only thing sartorial about this blog is the blogger's sartorial obsession. Not like an actual super sartorial obsession. to be honest, i just wanted a cool word.

everybody names their blog something cool with these vocab words that nobody uses in real life. words like indelible, ineffable, something latin, whatever. however, my vocabulary doesn't stretch that far, and sartorial is the coolest sounding word i can come up with...

although i do have somewhat of sartorial obsession... i don't understand why people won't wear suits more often!